I wonder,

Am I too aggressive with things?

It seems that the group of people I hang around with in school are so passive about things.
... Not exactly passive. They just do not react in the same way I do.

I wonder,

Am I annoying the people around me?

I know, I know, I sound awfully sensitive right now. But really, can you blame me for that? I had friends back in secondary school who would get really angry with me over something random I shoot out mindlessly which has absolutely no harm intended for anyone but myself.

I wonder,

Am I too mean to people?

I do have a conscience too ok? I will feel guilty over the things I do over the day after much self-reflecting. But sometimes, there are certain things I know I should not be feeling guilty about, and yet I still feel guilty about it.

I wonder,

Am I a good friend, at all?

I cannot recall a time where I am actually there for a friend in times of need. It seems like they were always there for me when I am sad and depressed over matters, regardless of it being trivial or significant. While I have my own principles, are they to be compromised because of friendship? Should I have backed up the person regardless of whether they were right or wrong?

:/

I just feel awfully guilty right now.

I feel mean, but at the same time I cannot feel guilty about it.

Because if I feel guilty about it, what if my head has a puddle of pee again?!

(People go "I am nice to you, and you climb over my head, taking advantage of me."
Roo's version is "I am nice/neutral to you, and you climb over my head and pee all over it.")

I feel guilty, but I cannot and I will not allow myself to do so.

Cindy made my day today. :D She told me that I slimmed down quite a bit! :D

I know for myself that it probably is bullshit because I have done nothing this holiday to make myself lose weight. But at least, that statement made my day. :D

I have shitloads of things to do, as usual.

I have to do up on my research for my upcoming project. D:
And I have to call my boss up regarding my work schedule. D: I just hope I get my pay soon. Sigh.

;_;

It is back to school tomorrow.

I am excited on one hand, but dreading it like crazy on the other.

I cannot wait to see Val and Ashler and Ah Munna and Seepei! And we can talk and eat lunch and gossip all day long like nobody's business!

But tomorrow, I have a presentation going on. D: Gah, I am going to bore everyone with my boring words.
;_;

Depressing.

Nothing wrong with being plus-sized.

The more I read up on the interviews on Omy.sg, the more I feel that I will not win.

If I lose, I will feel as though I have let my brother down.
Because he has been "doing whatever it takes" to get me into Top 3, and he will "stop at nothing" to make me win.
So if you see that I am in the Top 3, obviously it is not because I have a large fanbase like MsChorLor and AussiePete.
It is because I have an awesome brother who has many contacts/little evil minions who have his back, who has mine, to back me up during this period of voting.
And I have an awesome future Sister-in-law and friend who have been voting me for everyday or every other day.
Depends on whether my friend remembers to vote for me or not. :/

Time will tell.
But right now, I do not have the confidence that I will win this competition.

Blame it on a diet of criticisms since young.
My mother never told me I was smart. She loves to compare me to my other cousins who are much more intelligent than me (at that time). And my mother will do whatever it takes to put me down. Whether is it me being fat, ugly or stupid. I can never get along with my mother the way everyone get along with theirs as if they were best friends since beginning of time.

Maybe she thinks it will jinx me, but look at where I am now. Her criticisms since then were never helpful the way they were meant to be.

And of course, it does not help that this particular girl in my class have been putting me down just to make herself feel better. I know I keep mentioning her on my blog. But if she is out of my life, that will be the end of my ranting session about her on my blog. Valerie told me to... just let her be. Let her say whatever she wants because she cannot judge me for who I am.

But here is the thing. If I do not fight back, she will just go on and on and on, thinking that she has something over me, when in actual fact, she does not.
(I am not saying that she is fugly, she is just not drop-dead gorgeous.)
She may be hurt by her friends, and she "has finally become Not-the-Fattest in the group", but that does not mean that she can go on hurting the person who welcomed her with open arms. She may want to make herself feel better, but really, not at the expense of my self esteem.

And guess what? She really cannot take criticisms. She has a princess-attitude and will not take no for an answer. Oh dear Lord, all the bad karma is finally hitting me with full force.

It is not like I hate being fat. It is a love-hate thing.

I love the fact that I am plus sized, because I HAVE BOOBS! I do not have flat airport runways like those skinny girls out there.
But I just hate it when idiotic sales people go "Oh you cannot wear this, you are too fat to fit in." Hur hur, think it never happens in Singapore? Think again.
I got that sort of treatment at Far East. In a shop near 77th Street on level 2.

Clearly not only is there discrimination against those who are chubby, there is also a conspiracy going on!
Between shop owners, people who make the clothes, and people who provide the material.
Skinny people work to their advantage, because if they are skinny, clothes they wear will require less cloth, which maximises their profits.
Urgh, so annoying.

And really, another person who is really offensive, is the person who won the $500 for the Nuffnang contest "Do Singaporeans Dress Badly or Not".

The offensive thing is the fact that his "theme" for the entry was

something along the line of "if you are fat, wear black."

Of course, black has been proven to make you look slimmer. BUT WHY OH WHY, must you put that. Fat people should not be restricted to wearing JUST BLACK. It is so insulting. Especially about the skinny jeans part.

"If you are skinny, go take supplyments.
If you are fat, go to Marie France Bodyline."

Seriously, who died and gave you the right to judge fat people like that. People ought to have the right to choose whatever they want to wear, in whatever colour they like.

Like yes, we all know that not everyone suit all the trends that fashion has to offer. But you did not have to be so mean with your words.
EUPHEMISM, dude, at least coat your words with sugar and spice to make it easier on the eyes and on the feelings, dude!

You may not be used to people criticising you, but that does not mean everyone else is like you, judging people based on their body shape and size.

The internet is a great platform for people to interact and engage with an audience who share the same interests as you.
But at the same time, you should remember that what you put out on the internet, STAYS and MULTIPLIES itself for a long long time.

D:

On one hand, I wish that holidays never have to end. But on the other hand, I am dying to go back to school because I am not enjoying work at all, and I really miss Ah Munna, Val, Seepei and Ashler.

But then again, because there is an intruder in my private awesome life, I now dread school again. Oh ya, and there are those horrible projects ;_; model making and drawings to be done all over again.

I have shitloads of things to do and to send to people by tonight. Not exactly hopeful that I will be able to complete everything on time... but I guess we will see how fast I will take to complete those 2 significant but annoying tasks.

I think it is awfully stupid of me to learn how to rap by listening to Hip-hop music. D: It is stupid in the sense that, I am listening to German Hip-hop right now. D:

I wonder did I lose any weight this holiday. The last thing I want is for that intruder to come and tell me "how skinny she is" again.

It feels like I am getting ready to join YG with my dying will.

Not with talent, but with style. "Style" actually.

I have been, getting into the hype of changing from all weird and punkish to hip-hop right now. :D That is right, hip hop for the win! :D

Soon I am going to learn how to rap and beatbox. Ohohoho!

... Beat box... maybe I should just stick to learning how to rap first. D:

And I really want to take up dance lessons. D:

It is getting really warm. D:

Anyway, I am awfully happy that I do not have to work for 2 days. :D Gives me ample time to sleep till noon. And do up my Theory of Design assignment. D: So depressing. The book we are to read up on is awfully hard to understand. D:

Oh, and I have decided, I am going to speak in English from now on. No more Mandarin until I succeed in whatever I am about to do to someone. I know, I am awfully mean. >D

That is the amount of dust found in one corner of my room, JUST ONE CORNER. D:
I think it is amazing how I have yet to fall sick even though I am always in my room, so full of dust. D:
And this is before I packed it. ... There is no after, I AM STILL TRYING TO PACK IT. D:

I guess I will still be continuing with my job. After all, it is for one more month. I shall pray hard that either they get that spot in CK Tang, and not need me anymore. Or they do not get the spot, and do not need me anymore. :D

My room is screaming out to me to pack it soon. And yes, I finally did something today! :D

I tried packing my wardrobe. Tried, because it is so messy, there is a part 2 to cleaning it up. D:

And during the process, I found out I have like 8 pairs of skirts, shitloads of shirts, and shitloads of tops that I have yet to wear. Minus away the 16 pairs of shades, 2 of which are still with the spree organiser, and a dress which is still with her too. Hur hur, typical girl. I shop on impulse. I need to have like, a garage sale or something. I do not care if I make money out of it. I just need to get rid of the things in my room. D:

My clothes, hanging outside my room.
... among those, I think there are about.. 10 of them are mine, the rest are my mother's.

Wardrobe full of clothes hanging. D:


Uh, piles of stuff that I stuff into my drawer.

The amount of clothes I am folding.
Excluding all those you have seen above just now. D:

I have filtered my clothes.
1 pile to donate to charity,
1 pile to throw away because it is beyond disgusting,
1 pile to cut up into more awesome stuff,
and 1 GINORMOUS PILE of clothes that I will actually want to wear.

Do not go WTH to me, I am going WTH to myself too. Rah, shitloads of clothes, it is not as if I go out all the time, why are there so many of them! D:

Yesterday, I was starving. :/ Like I mentioned in the previous post.

And I really need to mention this.

Yesterday, my mother texted me. So I asked her if she could buy food for me and explained to her what happened. She said she was sad that stuff like that happened to me, and she told me to "not give a fuck about that lady who jeopardised my break."

I was shocked, ok. That coming from the woman who used to stuff chillies into my brother's mouth when he swore at home when I was really really young. That, coming from a woman who probably has no contact with the internet and those, bad influences around. So why, and how the hell did she learn all those. D:

I just do not get how people can be so easily manipulated by that green-eyed monster. I am sick and tired of people making friends with me, then chucking me to one side after they are done with making use of me. AND I AM FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE BULLYING ME IN TO DOING STUFF.

Today was a really bad day. It started out bad, it ended off a lot worse. This morning, I was waiting for the bus. Pretty normal, until I remembered that I had insufficient funds in my Ez Link Card. ... Screw the new policy about having to top up/cannot use your card if you have less than $2 in it. So I had to walk all the way back home, which is about a 10 minute walk.
(My house is near the highway, I was at the bus stop near the market.)

I went up, took my card and went to another bus stop. I was pretty darn lucky because the bus came quite quickly. And in the end, I was only 3 minutes late. Things got better from here. Until 3pm...

My break is usually from 2pm-4pm, if not I will have to go after 8pm. This... lady, who was supposedly suppose to look out for me,
(In CK Tang, we should look out for each other. It is only fair, ok.)
She went for her break at 3pm, telling me to "look after her counter for her". ... Riiiiiight~, so I have to look after your counter, not get my break and watch you come rubbing it into my face.

So for like the past 12 hours, I have been standing, and starving. I only had breakfast, and those coffee candy which I had stuffed into my back pocket for emergencies like this.

And tonight, she was sitting on a stool right behind me, smirking the entire time. I cannot sit on that stool, which belongs to the counter behind me, because there is this surveillance camera at a far corner which happens to have the best view of my counter.

... Seriously, I hate it when people start making use of me, bullying me in everything.

Obviously if you know any of my secondary school classmates, apart from those in Sec 4 and 5, which is a totally different story, they will probably bullshit about stuff like "Oh no no no, I did not do stuff like that to her." Grrr, typical.

In sec 1, my group put the entire blame on me when they did not do a single thing for the project even after me reminding them.
In sec 2, they all signed a petition, they clearly saw what I had written on the paper,
(Yes I started a petition when I was 14.)
And they went on saying "I shall just tell the teacher that I did not see that part."
In sec 3, rumours were spreading around like wildfire that someone bought me over with $50. Hur hur, the rumour got so bad that it went all the way up to the Sec 4 and 5s.

Things never seem to change, do they? I get bullied no matter what age I am.

I am just lucky that apart from Ashler, Ah Munna, Val and See Pei, and some of the guys, who have been nothing but real nice to me, the others who are insulting me with the "You are fatter than me" crap is really nothing compared to this. Because now, I can totally ignore them since I have a posse. >:D EAT MY DUST, ASSHOLES!

I have been watching True Blood all day today.

Oh boy, it is so addictive. And it is waaaaay better than Twilight. Really, in the entire Twilight series, only Twilight is awesome. The rest is just so... blah. D: Especially the last book. Like HELL, do not come leading me on when there is going to be no fight at all. Such a waste of time. Grrr.

Oh, AND I CUT MY NAILS TODAY! :DD

Usually I like my nails long, and painted. Or so I did before I entered Interior Design. D: All those model making projects and UHU glue... bad for your nails yo. The glue just keeps getting on my nails. And it is irritating because I painted it like a few days ago or something.

... And I fear getting ingrown nails. :/ So might as well just cut it short.






So now, short nails are love. :D Short nails are adorable, especially when they are painted. :D



... All pictures are taken from Google and GettyImages.

I am hella happy today. :D

Because things are starting to fall into place. :D For the past few days, I have been worrying about many many things like

1. Work, whether I will sell anything or not.
2. Work, again. What am I to do during lunch time. If I bring food, crazy lady will scream her head off at me. If I do not bring food, will I faint because I am too hungry?
3. Money issues. D: I spent nearly $100 last Friday, and I have so much more items I want to buy. D: The Great Singapore Sales is evil, EVIL I TELL YOU! D<
4. My job. I have been dying to quit that CK Tang job, for fear that I will get screamed at, and because my legs ache after a whole day's work. BUT, the money~.
5. What am I going to do till March 2011, which of the two am I going to pick. ... Which, by the way, I figured that one out already. :D

So things are starting to fall into place. :D I shall try, and pray very hard to sell those pendants with my dying will. And I shall sleep at the staff lounge during lunch. I will go on a candy diet during work. 7 candies last me the whole day. Amazing, right? :D

My mother is giving me some money, not a lot, but just enough to cover my expenses for this month. Really, I am the biggest scrooge anyone has seen, but I am splurging this month because of the sales. D: EVIL IS EVERYWHERE!

And I finally decided which of the two I am going to pick. It was in between one that is good at marketing, and one that does the stuff I love. I picked the one that is good at marketing, because that company came up with something so awesome that with one look, I AM SOLD. :D

:D I lost the Nuffnang contest. But God made me lose it, in order for me to be a finalist. :D Of course being a finalist can never beat money. But being a finalist gives me greater recognition, which may then make me into another Xiaxue. ... Another her, meaning that I get advertorials to write for money! Really, if you think I am all that shallow, I probably am. Money is not a must to live in this world, but without money, you can barely survive.

... Oh, and to top it off, I FOUND A BABY SHOE! :D Yep, shoe. :D I was just thinking about how adorable babies are, with their tiny feet and tiny hands, and their inability to speak coherently. :D So adorable. And on my way home from dinner today, I found a baby shoe on the floor! :D It belongs to a baby girl. I know, because it is pink with a flower on it. :D



Yesterday, while I was on my way to work, something on the floor kinda scared me a little. :D And it was something I REALLY HAD TO TAKE A PICTURE OF. :D


A baby lizard. :D Dead, on the ground. :D Seriously, I swear I need to get a decent Canon camera. Gah!

Did I mention I am having this I-want-to-join-many-contests phase? I joined the Canon one, but really, I doubt anyone will vote for me. I am all the way at the baaaack, why would any sane, random person go looking for a picture to vote on!?

... PLEASE VOTE FOR ME! I REALLY WANT THE CANON IXUS 100 IS IN RED. ;_;
I am on page 23. :D Photo number 1141. :D ... AND PLEASE VOTE FOR ME ON SGBLOGAWARDS! D:

Just click on that banner thing on the right over there! >
I am under the Best What-the-Hell category. :D

Yesterday on my way home from work, I saw my secondary school classmate. We were in the same class since Primary 5 till I was in Secondary 3.

I saw her, she looked at me, and could not recognise me. She just walked away. ... Did I really change that much?

I was thinking, how much I did not miss Fairfield at all. The memories are just being kept, hidden inside, and that is enough for me. I did not miss any teachers, or really, anybody who were in the same class as me.

In the past, I will probably miss them to death. Really. I guessed I learnt to let go of things. And that not everybody is going to be there for you and with you forever.

Yesterday night, I started thinking in rhyme, and it scares me. D:

HAHAHA, someday I shall write up a song, or random poetry books for the emo people. :D

I think I am really lucky to be surrounded by a bunch of very supportive friends.

They do not diss my dream, laughing and pointing while being sarcastic saying as if I will ever make it in life.



The only problem is that I do not have enough confidence to do what I really want. I fear failing. I fear rejection. I fear that I am not up for it, not good enough to compete with the other talents.

Sterling Knight's cuteeee~. :D

I really, feel bad for my dad.

Yesterday when he came into my room to give me my weekly allowance, he passed me another $20, telling me to pass it to my mother, because he do not have enough to spend anymore.

I really do not get my mother. She is working, but she does not contribute to the family. Utilities bill, she does not pay. Food, groceries, she does not pay for them either. Neither does she pay for the toiletries. And whenever she buys anything, she will make use of it to claim money from my dad.

Seriously, what kind of a mother do I have.

I really wish I was a famous blogger, so maybe there is a chance of my relatives reading this. I just... really want to hurt them, inflict pain on them.

In this world, the rich just get richer. And people like us just "roll around" our debts. Life is just so unfair.

... I hate weak women, and I hate women who rely on their husbands whenever humanely possible.

DEAR GOODNESS! :D

I FINALLY GOT THE H&M TOKIO HOTEL SHIRT!
WOO HOO!

And mind you, they are not fucking cheap yo. nearly SGD$30 for each of them, and I bought them both, in the ladies and men's cutting. OHOHOHOHO!

... There is no H&M in Singapore, nearest is Hong Kong, but nobody I know is there. D: Luckily I manage to find someone in UK to help get them for me. :D

So sinful, so sinful!

But really, D: how can I resist them. ITS TOKIO HOTEL!


I will be smiling in my sleep tonight. :D TOKIO HOTEL SHIRTS!
D: I fear wearing them though. For some reason, whenever I wear a new shirt, when it comes back from the wash, it will always end up furring. D: I want my expensive Tokio Hotel shirt to last as long as possible! :D

D:

Having a Meet-The-Parents dinner today. Meeting brother's girlfriend's family. :/

I am excited, yet anxious at the same time. Blame it on my diet of Hong Kong serials. What if the other side of the family is like those in the serial, Virtues of Harmony. D:

I know I am thinking too much, after all we are going to be a BIG family. D:

Roar, I am a little... nervous, meeting her sister and her brother. D: Just, a little. D:

Oh yeah, did I mention, my mother has totally gone insane. She bought bracelets for the girlfriend's brother and sister and BAAAAA KWAAAAAA for the family. It is just a dinner, or a meeting, why should we buy something for that side of the family. I just get irritated at stuff like that. Doing redundant, useless stuff like that.

Fine, so it is manners, courtesy, whatever! Grrrr, and she took a packet of my coffee candy!

Rah! I am going to schedule an appointment with my dentist, the one at Mount Elizabeth. :/ On Friday, when I went to have my cavities filled up, the dentist mentioned about that tooth of mine, the one that sticks out. The root is exposed, like most of it, and it is shaky. So it is only a matter of time before it falls out.

I am considering veneers or getting braces again. I do not know what is the big idea about people thinking that braces are ugly. They are actually pretty cute!

... I want to fly over to the US, watching too much of the Tyra Banks Show, Hannah Montana and Sonny with a Chance is really not good for your mental health.

I want to fly there without any of my family members. YES THAT IS RIGHT, I DO NOT WANT TO GO WITH MY BROTHER. ROAR! >3

Photos were taken yesterday. :D

Before my crit and the Hannah Montana movie. :D

Oh yes, the movie was actually pretty lame, and Miley Cyrus is more hateful than ever. D< THOSE LEGS! HER FIGURE! HER LIFE! HATEFUL HATEFUL HATEFUL!

But still, HUGE THANK YOU to Nuffnang for uh, picking my post. :D

Thank goodness I won those tickets. I would probably have poked myself to death if I had to pay for the tickets, just to make myself more jealous of Miley Cyrus. I did not get to see any celebrity bloggers. ... I was actually hoping to see Jessica-underagegirl.bs.com, and maybe someone like uh, TypicalBen and his brother, Randyys. :/

Oh well, if I become famous like them, I will have a lot more opportunities to meet them next time. :D

Today, had RWP. Totally boring, because it was a frickin test. D: Roar, I was dozing off while writing out on my foolscap paper.

AND I WORE MY NEW JEANS!

It rained this morning, frickin cold and I did not bring my awesome hoodie along with me, which explains why I am so sleepy this morning. D:

Went up to studio after that, to

1. wait for Ah Munna to be done with her test.
2. cut out TNP dollars, kindly and generously donated by Daryl.
3. and help See Pei, Val and Ashler with their crit pinup.

Had Subway for lunch. Went back to studio and was about to "leave" for somewhere. D:

I had a "photoshoot" today with Ah Munna. Ohohoho, so fun. :D It was suppose to be at somewhere, like Ann Siang Hill, because there are these awesome graffiti walls around. :D

But I guess we both got too lazy. D: So we decided to shoot around school. HAHAHAHA! Yes, I am going to join that Nuffnang contest. :/ I am going through a phase where I just want to join whatever contest I can find.

Ah Munna's camera is awesome! So I have decided, that I will not use any old digital camera unless it is 12.1 megapixels. MMHMM!

Not going to compromise about it. Ah Munna's camera takes awesome pictures. :D

Ashler joined in at the later part. We took... shitloads of pictures. HAHAHAHA!

I shall do up that post soon. :D I have $500 waiting for me!

Well, not that I can really make a lot of money through my blog. Seriously, unless I am like Xiaxue, I will never be content with my earnings through Nuffnang. YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR ME TO EARN $0.40!

Oh yes, and I observed this, not that it surprises me. Those people who join SGBlogAwards, most of them have been rallying for themselves. -.- Seriously. Like their username is the same as their website. Not that the thought never crossed my mind before. I felt that there is no point in me winning something if I have to rally for myself. It goes against my principles and my conscience.

I just hope the judges like the 3 blog posts I put up for judging. Because so far, if winning requires people to rally for you, then no way in hell am I going to win because nobody has rallied for me yet. :/