A few contradictions.

I hate my job.

I hate dealing with people, I especially hate dealing with those that I have to work with.

I hate dealing with women, I especially hate dealing with middle-aged women who have nothing better to do than to just gossip, and complain about everything I am doing.

Things like that makes it really hard for me to want to be fair and neutral towards them, makes things even harder when I am the one doing the assigning.

They think I'm biased against them, maybe because of what had happened here.

I need to leave soon, because things like that upsets me, and I do not want to have to explain everything I do to them.

If my conscience is clear, why should I have to explain to them?

But then again, why do I care so much about what they think of me?

I like him.

Like, I really really like him.

It disgusts me when I think about how much I like this guy.

He's not that great, he's very average actually.

Just that to me, he's an over-achiever.

And he intimidates me a bit, because he's an over-achiever.

Circular logic, WOW. -_-

I get butterflies in my tummy, just thinking about him.

And the thought of him makes me smile like a fool, even in the darkest of times (at work).

Yet, I hate myself for that.

It makes me vulnerable, and yet, I continue to do so.

I clearly need to get a life.

My life right now revolves around these few things:

1. Reading the Hunger Games trilogy. Yes, I am that slow. -_-
2. Thinking about him, smiling a bit, then proceed on to hate myself for it.
3. Falling asleep on the bus and train, hoping that nobody will see my eyes when I cover them with my thick bangs.
4. Reconsider my decision to fly to Taiwan for a well-deserved break this July.

Oh, I didn't announce this:

I am going to Taiwan with my friend and her friends this coming July.

Planning and getting them to do little things have been nothing but painful.

In fact, it's so painful that for the first time, I witnessed a fight in that clique on Skype.

WOW, right? I know.

Now that everything is done: we have booked the tickets and hotel, I just suddenly have the marvelous thought of backing out.

Because the bulk of them are my friend's friends.

I don't know them well enough to want to go somewhere with them.

And it just makes things very awkward for me because I feel that the bulk of them are just talking to me because they feel obliged to.

I mean, who doesn't?

When you see someone sitting in, what seems to be a corner, keeping to themselves...

Bah, this annoys me.

I have half the mind to shoot them with something mean, but my friend said that it would make them sad, and their faces will be like this ): .

Then I'll feel all bad...

Nah, actually I won't.

These things I cannot say.

I realised that after I started working, there are many things that have happened and I have not been voicing out or telling anyone about it.

Maybe i am unable to find someone to pour it all out to, maybe I just don't like the idea of going to a specific group of people to pour all my sorrows out to

For all I know, it could just be my way of wanting attention from people and I am not getting it.

Maybe someday, I will tell someone about it.

Someday, maybe.
But not now.

Future.

You know how it is, when you are still a child, you tend to imagine your future, how things would be when you're all grown up?


You dream of having a decent job that pays... moderately well.
You buy a house and a car.
Find someone you love and you start a family with him/her.

You watch your kids grow up, watch them follow in your footsteps.
Watch them getting a decent job, a house and a car.
Watch them settle down and start a family.

And finally, when it is time for you to go, you leave this world, smiling because you have lived your life, fulfiled and satisfied with all that you have achieved.


I guess when you were a child, nobody was there to tell you all the hard work you have to put in for that "decent job that pays moderately well".

I do realise that my recent posts have been nothing else but just work, and work-related issues.
Because this is how it is.
When you are no longer in school, when you no longer have a social life to speak of, you just blog about the things that happen around you all day, everyday.

I drag myself to work everyday, because I have nothing else to live for.
This is not the life I had imagined myself to be... living.
This is not the plan I had in mind.

I am not sure if it has to do with my job scope, or whether it is just me.
But I feel that people tend to come down on me, hard, whenever things go bad.
Not that I feel targetted at work, but I feel that whenever things go bad, I am the first in line to get attacked.
By both customers, and co-workers.

And usually, the first to get it are usually the ones who get it most.
Because this is how it is with people; once they have taken it out on someone, they will no longer be that angry, and they will be a lot nicer to the next person the encounter.

A part of me really wonders, if I had build up something when I was still in school, something that allows me to survive, and at the same time, gives me enough time to do the things I want to, would I be a much happier person?

Of course, that would mean that I will have literally nothing to blog about, and you (whoever you are) will not be reading this now. -_-

And it would mean that I will not be getting married because my social circle will remain THAT small.
*My social circle is FULL of girls. And like, 3 guys? Of which, are not eligible because they are either taken, or are not nice enough to be labelled as boyfriend-material. ._.

And that future I once had will never happen. ;A;

... Not that I am anywhere near it now. -_-

Off topic, but you get what I mean.

I get cupcakes at my workplace.

Yes, I go by Jolene at work.
-_-
Because it's my official name, and Roo is not. -_-