I want the best of both worlds. ;_;

I am at the crossroads of my life once again, which is not surprising.

I once had big dreams, now I sound old. ;_;

I once had big dreams, of leaving this country and never coming back.

And I was looking forward to fulfilling that dream of mine as I age.

I was looking forward to cutting off all ties with my relatives, friends and family.

I was looking forward to start afresh in a country where nobody knows who I am and who I was in the past.

That little dream of mine has been wavering a lot in the past couple of months.

I couldn't get into the agency I wanted, and I didn't plan out a second route for myself because to me, it was DO-OR-DIE.

I refuse to let go of that little dream I had, in fact, I was clinging on to it desperately because I really wanted it to work out for the greater good... and for myself. :/

Whenever I tell close friends, because I don't talk to my family, about my dream, I would always get funny stares from them, and a patronizing "I will support you in whatever you do."

Only 2 or 3 of my friends have been pushing me, constantly nagging at me to go do something about it.

This whole I-HAVE-A-DESTINY-TO-FULFIL thing has been bothering me a lot, and it has made me extremely depressed because of things people have been saying to me.

:/ I still believe that I will get there, to wherever I want, someday, sooner or later. But recently, I have been considering the options of dying a nobody in Singapore, where I still have to be in contact with relatives, friends and family.

The only thing that will get me through this entire... ordeal, is the thought of moving out of my parents' house, living my life in a God-forsaken place where I will be far, FAR away from my family. :/

I really don't care whether it's God-forsaken or not, as long as I have my basic necessities like hot water, clean toilet, a kitchen, internet, electricity and personal space, and maybe a room-mate to abuse... Like Leonard from Big Bang Theory.

Slowly, I think I have been starting to let go of that little dream I try to hold on to so desperately... although they keep coming back to haunt me every so often. ):

Life, it's depressing to just live.

Right now, I guess I am still trying to appreciate the simple things in life, and at the same time convince myself that being in Singapore is not so bad. At least I can meet up with my friends for dinner after work, even when given last-minute notice about things like that.

I sometimes wonder though, did God spend a little too much time on the people who are living out my dream now, or is He enjoying this show He's watching from above, as His many believers as Him for help in fulfilling their prayers.