Hi, my name is Roo and I am actually painfully shy.

Hi, my name is Roo and I am actually painfully shy.

And nobody believes it.

I wasn't exactly inspired by anything to do posts like these but I figured it would be blog-worthy. ._.

So...

Growing up, I was never this confident of myself all the time.

I still am not confident, I just look like I don't give two shits about everything when in actual fact I am very self-conscious and that I obsess over how people look at me.

Proof of being self-conscious : You are most likely to find me thinking about what I had said a few years/months/days/hours/minutes back and if I find what I had said to be cringe-worthy, I will cringe and kind of scold myself for saying stupid things like that.

Yes, I can remember things I said back at certain events. But usually they just spill out so fast, I won't remember them at all. It has to be of some significant event for me to remember really well.

I digress. :/

But yes, I am not as out there or insane as I portray myself to be. In fact, if I could, I probably would want to just stay indoors or wear black all over.

It all kinda started when I was 12, going on 13.

I mixed with some people whom I regret hanging out with. I guess my time in secondary school was meant to be a dark, dark period for me.

Growing up, I was never fully aware of the people around me and how they looked at me.

When I was 11, a classmate turned the class against me, and yet I still survived because I didn't give them the time of the day when they were talking shit about me.

(Some girl backstabbed me in the most random way. And I obviously can still remember it till today.)

I wear the clothes I wanted to wear, I apply makeup in weird colors all over my face and I parade myself out like that for the world to see.

(I was into makeup ever since I could walk, apparently.)

I didn't care if the shirt was too tight, or that I looked like a clown. To me at that age, I.WAS.COOL.

At least I was cool enough to do shit that nobody in my school dares to.

Then came secondary school.

I got closer to a girl whom I have known since I was 7, we were in the same class then.

We started hanging out because we took the same bus to and from school and we were in the same class together in Secondary 1.

Soon we started hanging out after school, meaning walking around aimlessly at random areas.

And I remember the first time we went out, and I had gone home to shower and change, she saw what I wore and said,

"Isn't the shirt a bit too tight for you?"

Then BAM!

That was the first time I felt so conscious of myself, and that was actually my favourite shirt. D:

I remember getting a really bad haircut, and eating too much fries when I was about 12-14. And God knows if she is making this up, but she said as I was alighting from the bus, these two boys were saying how stupid I looked because of what I was wearing.

Looking back, she was never really a true friend.

If she was a true friend, she probably should and would have stood up for me. Or at least keep her two-cents to herself. I would prefer she keep her two-cents to herself. Saying things like "Isn't that shirt a bit too tight for you?" is not exactly a damn nice thing to say to your friend when your friend didn't ask for your opinion.

That just gave me another reason to hate her, heh.

& from that statement above, it's probably obvious that I am no longer friends with her, even though she was still stalking my Facebook page.

This post is getting insanely long, and I have not even reached the main points yet.

That was the start of me being self-conscious. And age 14, Secondary 2, was a dark dark period for me.

Having ballooned up after eating too many packets of fries, my appearance is not exactly appealing. And to top it off with an extreme bad hair cut, I guess it is safe to say that I felt like a loser, and am a loser at that time, complete with no friends in class.

NOTE : IF YOU THINK YOU'RE A LOSER, THERE IS A VERY HIGH CHANCE THAT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE A LOSER TOO. Other than your true friends, of course, who aren't the sort who doesn't do any work and want you to do it, and more stuff along that line.

I felt even more depressed as the people around me started getting into fights and a friend told me that the group of girls who were genuinely nice to me in class actually dislikes me a lot.

Yay me for being self-conscious.

At age 14, it was a dark dark period where I was a fat loser. But that same year was the year that I started growing out the confidence you see on me today.

On, not in, because I do not feel confident inside. I just look the part on the outside.

I got myself into some after school activity club, and there, I met some of the nicest people in the world.

I mean, come on, at that time, whoever was willing to make friends with Fat Roo has to be nice. Like damn nice, nice.

And there was this group of seniors who were just D: in my opinion, super cool. :/ It probably was the way they carried themselves, or the aura that they have. I soon found myself being really annoying and took inspiration off one of them.

Took inspiration, which was actually a nicer way of saying that I am trying to copy her.

She was probably annoyed with me. They probably all were.

But it was thanks to them, especially her that I became the person I am today on the outside. ._.

And it's thanks to her that I have my sunglasses collection today. :D

(I have gotten 3 more shades after I took this photo. It's on my banner, all 3 of them)

And I am pretty happy that her love for all things pink, fluffy and girly did not rub off on me.

So Jemi, if you are actually reading this, which somehow I hope you are, I really need to thank you for this. :D

And Carol too, for all the stuff you taught me, beauty-related like applying eyeliner and eye brow grooming. :D

SO ANYWAY.

Despite me starting to be a little more confident of myself, I guess that 14 year-old me is still trapped inside.

She is a part of me, but I wish she would die somehow and just let me live my life in peace.

This post, is a proof that she is still in me and I hate it.

I hate being shy, but somehow when I want to do something I love, she just comes out. ROAR!

She comes out, and ruins things for me. ):

And people just don't believe it when I say that.

I know this is a weird ending to my oh-so-emotional post.

But this is it.

I refuse to go on anymore, until I decide that I want to.